This is the question woke me up far too early and kept me rolling in my sheets like a pig wallowing in the mud. As I tossed and turned I could not seem to pick apart my thoughts to figure out what keeping me awake when the sun had not yet been turned on. After many waking hours in which I have paced, stressed, dug through my thoughts and worried I think I have a question which sums it all up.
What is holding you back?
I think after chewing on it, letting it swirl around my head and settle into my brain and soul I have an answer. Fear, insecurities and wavering faith not only in myself but in my writing. I am too far into this to pull out now, but I am struggling to find the strength.
I can not find the words to explain the heaviness of these feelings. I fear that I do not have what it takes to withstand the ups and downs of the publishing process. I fear that I did not fully understand the enormity of what I was attempting to do before I did it. I am afraid that I do not have the heart to keep going in the face of adversity in this process.
I have always used my writing as an escape from everyday life. I don't think I ever thought for one moment when this journey started that it would go this far. I am so grateful for the support and faith that my friends and family have in me. I am by no means giving up. I am just trying to regroup and get myself, my writing and my spirits back together after the suffocating disappointment of the last few days. I am well aware of the fact that I am the only thing holding me back. I just hope that sometime soon I find a way to not only accept this, but work past it.